Resources
‘Chin up’: Breaking down the barriers between men and support
Men are encouraged to show strength and can’t say if you’re struggling, but how should a man behave when his child is diagnosed with cancer?
Written by the Redkite Oncology Social Work team
Most men would be familiar with phrases such as ‘act like a man’ and ‘grow some …’. But what do these phrases say about how a man should behave when his child is diagnosed with cancer? Men are encouraged to show strength and it might seem you can’t say you’re struggling and keep your man badge. So it’s a good thing men don’t need support… right?
There’s been a lot of debate about whether our emotions are determined by our biological sex but our feelings don’t depend on our gender. From a very early age, our brains are storing what feels socially acceptable and what doesn’t so we can act accordingly. The unfortunate outcome of this is that men who have learned they should always be strong and not show emotion are less likely to ask for support when they need it.
men who have learned they should always be strong and not show emotion are less likely to ask for support when they need it
Why support for men is important
The rules we learn about how men should behave can be called the ‘act like a man’ box. Men can feel pressure to fit into this box, even if it doesn’t really suit them.
The ‘act like a man’ box contains many rules. But some of the ones that are important to highlight when talking about men and support are:
Be strong not emotional.
Be logical not irrational.
Be brave not scared.
Be the provider not the provided for.
These rules are important because of the message they send – ‘the ideal man should always be strong, and must never show weakness’.
They can bring some advantages. They might pump someone up to compete on the footy field, or to achieve success in a business environment. But they can also be unhealthy for men, particularly if they feel they’re not able to let them go when their wellbeing depends on it. So you might like to ask yourself whether you carry any of these rules and if so, how do they show up in your personal life? Are you still able to ask for support when you need it?
If your answer to that last question was no, then the strategies below might help you change that.
Sometimes men compare themselves to ‘real men’. Remember, Real men are themselves.
What if people judge me?
Let’s be honest, a lot of men have described being belittled when they’ve acted outside of the box. This is a valid concern. However, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean that people don’t care about you. People of all genders learn unhelpful rules about how men and women should behave. Try to pick your audience and speak to people you’re comfortable with first, who you know are more accepting.
And remember, if you’re a bloke who struggles quietly, it’s likely other men you know do too. So put the man you are first and get the support you need when you need it. You might encourage the men around you to do the same.
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