Helping kids understand a sibling’s diagnosis

We sat down with Claire Masula, Social Work Manager and Practice Leader, in the Kids Cancer Conversations with Georgie Gardner podcast, to talk about how parents can tell their children about their sibling’s cancer diagnosis, what to expect and how to give them ongoing support. 

How can parents best explain a cancer diagnosis? 

It’s important to remember no matter how prepared you might be, how much you’ve thought about it, how much love you bring to the room, how much support it will always feel uncomfortable to have that conversation with your child.  

A good place to start is to ask children what they know about cancer. Start with an understanding of what they already know. Sometimes we can make assumptions about what children might know or what they believe.  

A lot of children have that belief that the cancer is their fault, so checking in with them, letting them know it is not their fault, and they did nothing to cause their cancer. 

Give honest answers and keep it simple with a lot of reassurance and love. Give them the opportunity to ask questions and validate any emotion that comes up. Kids can take us by surprise with the way that they respond and the questions that they ask.  

“You might sit down for the conversation, expecting tears, anger, or a certain type of reaction, and the child reacts in a completely opposite way. It’s normal for siblings to come back with a question like, ‘are we still going on our family holiday?’ which seems deeply selfish and can catch parents off guard, but you need to validate where they’re at and that their life has just been turned upside down as well.”  

Be accepting of whatever emotion your child presents. Let them know they can come to you with any questions at any time.  

Children can process their emotions through play, come to understand things, experiment with things. it’s how they learn and grow.  

Melanie is a mum of two daughters, Emily, and Lucy. Emily was diagnosed with cancer and Melanie watched how both girls processed their emotions at such a vulnerable time.  

“I remember at one stage being absolutely mortified, that the girls had set up a graveyard in our playroom for their Barbies, that they had written a memorial for each of the Barbies.” recalls Melanie. 

Children can’t just sit down and have a chat about how they’re going and how they’re feeling, so looking for creative ways to talk about emotions, explaining what they are feeling and validating them is important.

“The fact that Emily and Lucy have the ability to express themselves and they’re given the opportunity to do that is really, really important.” 

Each child’s different in what they need. Some children will respond to reading books, art therapy, other children more to play and role play. It’s about adapting to what that particular individual child or children need to express themselves and understand some of the emotions that they’re feeling.  

“In conversations with children, don’t make an assumption about how they’re feeling and what they understand. It’s important to let them express themselves in a way that’s right for them.”